About four weeks ago, my parents came to visit from Tokyo. Since we went to Japan last fall, it's been two years since they were here last. They are now both in their 80s but fortunately for all of us, they are well enough to travel this far. But something that has happened lately is that every time I see them, they look significantly older. When you live apart and don't see each other often, you are not seeing the day to day progression of age so it seems drastic.
When I see my parents, I have to have a crash course on how they are. My mom has difficulty walking since she took a fall earlier this year. She couldn't walk at all for a while and it's amazing that she actually didn't break anything and recovered from it, but given how active my mother is, this is an adjustment. She has also developed a chronic cough which kicks in every time she starts to talk. My father is freakishly healthy, but his hearing has gone. This has been a slow progression and he owns a super high tech hearing aid, but still has trouble now and then. So we are looking at a couple that has trouble talking and hearing. Listening to them trying to have a conversation is like watching a vaudeville act.
Portrait of a child about to interrupt her grandparents.
After they had been here for a couple of days, my father expressed interest in going to the zoo. He had heard that Seattle has a great zoo and he had not been to one since he was a child. We typically move according to how my mother wants to accomplish things so this was a rare occasion. I decided to take them with Yuki while Philip was at work one day. Much to my mother's dismay, we rented a wheel chair for her because the zoo is nothing but walking. But then I realized that being at the zoo with two senior citizens and a preschooler is like herding sheep. I had Yuki in a wagon and kept needing to wait for my father who was pushing the wheel chair because I was going too fast for him.
In all their adorableness.
Please note, all three of them could have fit in that wheelchair.
None of them knew how to get around so suddenly I had the responsibility to keep them together and lead them places that were entertaining for all of them. I had to get a table at the cafeteria which is CRAZY during the summer (luckily, I was smart enough to pack our lunches so we didn't have to stand in any line to get food). And since we parked somewhat far from the entrance, I had the three of them wait while I ran and got the car. I was exhausted and was so glad that I could use Yuki's nap as an excuse to go home. Of course, as we were heading out, my mom asked if the large animals were far--they were on the other side of the zoo. I just stopped and looked at her and she said, "Next time, maybe."
My parents visits have gone from them treating me to things to me treating them. We are now able to take them out for dinner, I can cook for my mother and do things that they want to do. They look smaller and more frail which is a shock to me and I had to fight the sadness that this might be the last time they are able to visit, and just focus on one moment at a time. Knowing my parents though, they will probably live to be in their 90s, but still ...
"No, you may not read your newspaper."
Of course, what made it all worthwhile was watching Yuki's interaction with them. When we visited Japan in November, Yuki was a bit too out of sorts to play with them. Now that she is a bit older and this was on her turf, she took to them right away and my mom and she were best pals. She served them tea, "cooked" them things, and asked every morning when she woke up if they were still there.
Seriously, the sweetness gave me a cavity.
When we were having trouble conceiving, I was panicked that I would miss out on exactly this. I really hope that my parents live long enough for Yuki to remember them (as I grew up with no recollection of any of my grandparents), but at least from their side, they are getting to enjoy my child. When we all got in the car to go somewhere, Philip and my dad sat in front, while I sat in the back with Yuki and my mom. Yuki held both of our hands linking us together and I just sat--almost crying each time. I guess, quite simply, I don't want my mom to die.
This trip also was "visiting friends who are ill" tour for them. My father's best friend, who lives in Vancouver, WA, is in a nursing home, unable to walk and is starting to lose his sense of reality. Two of my mother's long time friends are also in nursing homes and not doing well. Another friend who is significantly younger than my parents suffered a brain aneurysm and is unable to walk or talk. I accompanied my mother to visit her and on the way there, the ever stoic mom blurted out that her heart was heavy. And then it hit me how difficult it must be to be their age and face your friends dying left and right.
I realize from the time I was in my twenties to thirties, I was acting like time had stopped. I was aware of my age, but we didn't have kids and since both of our parents were healthy, we were just going about our lives. Then I looked up and I am now in my 40s (nothing marks time like having a kid, by the way). Suddenly (it seems) our parents are elderly, friends are middle aged, and I realized, we're actually getting older. And my brain is trying to catch up to that concept. Similarly, my mother said she still thinks she is in her 40s. Her brain is also trying to catch up. We get more and more news that our friends parents are dying--and some of our friends' health is being compromised. When did this happen?
After almost two weeks of their visit, we all went to the airport to drop them off. It's still hard saying goodbye to them but this time it felt especially hard. I kept thinking about the last scene of the film, The Wedding Banquet where the main character watches his father go through the security at the airport, thinking about everything that happened on their journey, and just cries. I felt a big lump in my throat as they waved for the last time before disappearing into the crowd of summer vacationers.
I suppose I have to make more efforts to see and talk to them to make memories. I have to be a real grown up and pull it together. I seriously don't feel old enough. That's denial.
When I see my parents, I have to have a crash course on how they are. My mom has difficulty walking since she took a fall earlier this year. She couldn't walk at all for a while and it's amazing that she actually didn't break anything and recovered from it, but given how active my mother is, this is an adjustment. She has also developed a chronic cough which kicks in every time she starts to talk. My father is freakishly healthy, but his hearing has gone. This has been a slow progression and he owns a super high tech hearing aid, but still has trouble now and then. So we are looking at a couple that has trouble talking and hearing. Listening to them trying to have a conversation is like watching a vaudeville act.
Portrait of a child about to interrupt her grandparents.After they had been here for a couple of days, my father expressed interest in going to the zoo. He had heard that Seattle has a great zoo and he had not been to one since he was a child. We typically move according to how my mother wants to accomplish things so this was a rare occasion. I decided to take them with Yuki while Philip was at work one day. Much to my mother's dismay, we rented a wheel chair for her because the zoo is nothing but walking. But then I realized that being at the zoo with two senior citizens and a preschooler is like herding sheep. I had Yuki in a wagon and kept needing to wait for my father who was pushing the wheel chair because I was going too fast for him.
In all their adorableness.Please note, all three of them could have fit in that wheelchair.
None of them knew how to get around so suddenly I had the responsibility to keep them together and lead them places that were entertaining for all of them. I had to get a table at the cafeteria which is CRAZY during the summer (luckily, I was smart enough to pack our lunches so we didn't have to stand in any line to get food). And since we parked somewhat far from the entrance, I had the three of them wait while I ran and got the car. I was exhausted and was so glad that I could use Yuki's nap as an excuse to go home. Of course, as we were heading out, my mom asked if the large animals were far--they were on the other side of the zoo. I just stopped and looked at her and she said, "Next time, maybe."
My parents visits have gone from them treating me to things to me treating them. We are now able to take them out for dinner, I can cook for my mother and do things that they want to do. They look smaller and more frail which is a shock to me and I had to fight the sadness that this might be the last time they are able to visit, and just focus on one moment at a time. Knowing my parents though, they will probably live to be in their 90s, but still ...
"No, you may not read your newspaper."
Seriously, the sweetness gave me a cavity.This trip also was "visiting friends who are ill" tour for them. My father's best friend, who lives in Vancouver, WA, is in a nursing home, unable to walk and is starting to lose his sense of reality. Two of my mother's long time friends are also in nursing homes and not doing well. Another friend who is significantly younger than my parents suffered a brain aneurysm and is unable to walk or talk. I accompanied my mother to visit her and on the way there, the ever stoic mom blurted out that her heart was heavy. And then it hit me how difficult it must be to be their age and face your friends dying left and right.
I realize from the time I was in my twenties to thirties, I was acting like time had stopped. I was aware of my age, but we didn't have kids and since both of our parents were healthy, we were just going about our lives. Then I looked up and I am now in my 40s (nothing marks time like having a kid, by the way). Suddenly (it seems) our parents are elderly, friends are middle aged, and I realized, we're actually getting older. And my brain is trying to catch up to that concept. Similarly, my mother said she still thinks she is in her 40s. Her brain is also trying to catch up. We get more and more news that our friends parents are dying--and some of our friends' health is being compromised. When did this happen?
After almost two weeks of their visit, we all went to the airport to drop them off. It's still hard saying goodbye to them but this time it felt especially hard. I kept thinking about the last scene of the film, The Wedding Banquet where the main character watches his father go through the security at the airport, thinking about everything that happened on their journey, and just cries. I felt a big lump in my throat as they waved for the last time before disappearing into the crowd of summer vacationers.
I suppose I have to make more efforts to see and talk to them to make memories. I have to be a real grown up and pull it together. I seriously don't feel old enough. That's denial.
Comments
You are poetic and artistic in your writing. This particular entry has left me in tears. Simply beautiful.
Thank you
xo
gibs
LT
xo
It was sweet, and a little funny. But mostly I wanted to cry, because I realized that he was getting older, and quickly.
Yuki is so lucky to have your parents in her life. :)