I have a list in my head as my lifelong goal as a parent Things to Instill in My Daughter. Most every decision I make, I cross reference to see if it's helping the goal. That list will likely to be adjusted as she grows, but it's been like this:
1. Self confidence. Tina Fey, when she accepted the Mark Twain Prize said, "I'd like to thank my parents for giving me confidence that was disproportionate to my actual talent," which struck me. This is everything. Especially for girls. I know this from my work. If a child possesses self-confidence, they can do anything. I get paid every day to figure out how to make this happen for every kind of kid. It's hard. But I truly believe it's the single most important gift you can give your child.
2. Good relationship with food. I come from a culture where people LOVE to cook and eat and talk about food and post pictures of everything they are about to eat on Facebook. My culture is also one of the longest living nations in the world--and I firmly believe there is a connection. I was raised with very healthy attitude towards food, was given so much healthy variety, and was surrounded by people who enjoyed cooking. Again, raising a girl, I think every parents' fear is an eating disorder and other food and body image issues. I want my daughter to enjoy food, know how to choose what's best for her body that also tastes great and know how to make it and never feel guilty. I know this HAS to happen in childhood or it's near impossible to fix.
3. Money savvy. I want her to know how to save, no matter how little she is making and never spend beyond her means. Also, should she ever become financially successful, I want to have some class around where and how to spend her money.
4. Empathy and Generosity. I want her to have them and exercise them often.
5. Sense of responsibility. I want her to always keep her promise.
6. Good eye for art. Whatever she ends up being, I want her to know good art and always be a part of it whether it's creating it or supporting it.
7. Sense of humor. Duh.
If I sat and kept thinking, there would be much more but these are what I feel are the most important for me.
So with that in mind, I shall tell you the tale of "I wish I was different."
Yuki has often expressed that she does not care for her curly locks, which breaks our hearts. Now, I don't want to launch into a whole lecturely monologue about how she shouldn't feel that way (although that is exactly what I want to do), because she is 5 and most everyone goes through that at some point. She has many friends with long straight hair (Japanese and non) so she is envious. I totally get it. I tell her that when I was little, I so wished for curly hair (which is true), so we each should admire the other's hair. So far she is buying it. I also have some good products to maximize her curls because who knows if she is going to have them forever. I also tell her that when she is a grown up, she can change her hair however she would like.
Then the other day, after spending time with her Japanese friend, she came home and said, "I wish I looked more Japanese." Philip and I paused and tried to figure out what to say. "Well, you look half Japanese, because that is what you are," I said not too confidently. "Everyone in Japan thinks you are so cute and special because you look different," followed Philip. Not convinced, and standing in front of a mirror she then said,
"I wish my eyes were squintier."
We paused again, this time trying to kill our laughs. I seriously wanted to say "Child, are you making fun of me?" But then I said "Honey, everyone in Japan wants big eyes like you," which is totally true. It's important to not dwell on these comments, I learned, so as not to snowball the issue. I try my best to let her know that everyone wishes for things they don't have and if you start on that path there is no end to it, so appreciate what you have. Of course I'm not sure how much of that is clicking but I will continue on my efforts to achieve goal #1.
Yuki, on a couple of occasions has also said how cute she was, to which Philip said "Cute is nice, but that's just lucky. Be smart. That is lot more important than being cute." I appreciate having a husband who knows to say that to his daughter. It's also tricky though because we want her to know and not worry about how beautiful she is. Ah, mixed messages. I'm sure all of this will somehow come out in her future therapy sessions.
1. Self confidence. Tina Fey, when she accepted the Mark Twain Prize said, "I'd like to thank my parents for giving me confidence that was disproportionate to my actual talent," which struck me. This is everything. Especially for girls. I know this from my work. If a child possesses self-confidence, they can do anything. I get paid every day to figure out how to make this happen for every kind of kid. It's hard. But I truly believe it's the single most important gift you can give your child.
2. Good relationship with food. I come from a culture where people LOVE to cook and eat and talk about food and post pictures of everything they are about to eat on Facebook. My culture is also one of the longest living nations in the world--and I firmly believe there is a connection. I was raised with very healthy attitude towards food, was given so much healthy variety, and was surrounded by people who enjoyed cooking. Again, raising a girl, I think every parents' fear is an eating disorder and other food and body image issues. I want my daughter to enjoy food, know how to choose what's best for her body that also tastes great and know how to make it and never feel guilty. I know this HAS to happen in childhood or it's near impossible to fix.
3. Money savvy. I want her to know how to save, no matter how little she is making and never spend beyond her means. Also, should she ever become financially successful, I want to have some class around where and how to spend her money.
4. Empathy and Generosity. I want her to have them and exercise them often.
5. Sense of responsibility. I want her to always keep her promise.
6. Good eye for art. Whatever she ends up being, I want her to know good art and always be a part of it whether it's creating it or supporting it.
7. Sense of humor. Duh.
If I sat and kept thinking, there would be much more but these are what I feel are the most important for me.
So with that in mind, I shall tell you the tale of "I wish I was different."
Yuki has often expressed that she does not care for her curly locks, which breaks our hearts. Now, I don't want to launch into a whole lecturely monologue about how she shouldn't feel that way (although that is exactly what I want to do), because she is 5 and most everyone goes through that at some point. She has many friends with long straight hair (Japanese and non) so she is envious. I totally get it. I tell her that when I was little, I so wished for curly hair (which is true), so we each should admire the other's hair. So far she is buying it. I also have some good products to maximize her curls because who knows if she is going to have them forever. I also tell her that when she is a grown up, she can change her hair however she would like.
Then the other day, after spending time with her Japanese friend, she came home and said, "I wish I looked more Japanese." Philip and I paused and tried to figure out what to say. "Well, you look half Japanese, because that is what you are," I said not too confidently. "Everyone in Japan thinks you are so cute and special because you look different," followed Philip. Not convinced, and standing in front of a mirror she then said,
"I wish my eyes were squintier."
We paused again, this time trying to kill our laughs. I seriously wanted to say "Child, are you making fun of me?" But then I said "Honey, everyone in Japan wants big eyes like you," which is totally true. It's important to not dwell on these comments, I learned, so as not to snowball the issue. I try my best to let her know that everyone wishes for things they don't have and if you start on that path there is no end to it, so appreciate what you have. Of course I'm not sure how much of that is clicking but I will continue on my efforts to achieve goal #1.
Yuki, on a couple of occasions has also said how cute she was, to which Philip said "Cute is nice, but that's just lucky. Be smart. That is lot more important than being cute." I appreciate having a husband who knows to say that to his daughter. It's also tricky though because we want her to know and not worry about how beautiful she is. Ah, mixed messages. I'm sure all of this will somehow come out in her future therapy sessions.
Comments