let me be the first

I suppose it's inevitable that in the life of any child certain injuries will occur. Scraped knees, stubbed toes, bumped heads, etc. And I suppose it's possible that some of these painful-but-not-serious injuries could happen at the hands of one of the child's parents; perhaps bonking the child's head on a door jamb or maybe pinching the child's chubby little leg in a car-seat buckle or maybe, and I'm not saying this one is likely to happen, but maybe it's late at night and the child is crying and one of the parents, let's say the father (though purely for the sake of argument) goes in for what ought to be a fairly routine diaper change and let's say the father doesn't bother turning on the light because he's done these enough times now that the glow of the nightlight on the wall behind him is enough to finish the job and let's say that Dad (as we'll call him now) get's the kid's leg (let's call her ... Yuki -- the kid, not the leg) out of her pajamas, which is difficult because Yuki is uncomfortable and kicking rather energetically, and then lifts her up by the small of her back to get the other leg out only to realize that his hand is now covered in poop, the poop that has crept out of the diaper and up Yuki's back and then let's say Dad panics a little because it's dark and he has to do a full clothing change and there's poop all over one of his hands and he can't quite free up his clean hand to turn a light on and then let's say he manages to get one of Yuki's arms out of her pajamas but the other arm is proving more difficult as Yuki becomes increasingly uncomfortable and squirmy and let's say Dad realizes that he can't get her other arm out because she's laying on top of the pajamas so you'd think Dad would gently lift her up to free up the pajamas to make them easier to slide off her arm but instead Dad grabs as much fabric as he can and tries to yank the pajamas out from under Yuki but Dad is not a magician and Yuki is not an ornately set dining table and the pajamas are not a tablecloth so let's just say that when Dad yanks (ill-advisedly, he now realizes) this causes Yuki to tumble out of her pajamas with alarming speed and headlong into the hard wooden side of the changing table.

Then it might get really quiet for about three seconds.

Just long enough for Yuki to inhale as deeply as she can before letting fly with, if only she could speak, would no doubt have been a string of expletives like to make a pirate blush.

So then Dad with naked, screaming, poop-covered baby in-hand might shout across the hall to the person we will call Mom, "GET SOME ICE!" without bothering to elucidate why the ice might be necessary which does not do Mom too well but she gets the ice as Dad tries to calm the naked, screaming poop-covered baby and by the time Mom comes back the baby is downgraded to just naked and poop-covered and is actually giggling which makes Mom convinced that the child is delirious and both Mom and Dad look closely to see if they can make out the cartoon bluebirds circling Yuki's head.

And the next day when Dad gets home from work, Mom, who clearly thinks she's pretty damn funny, has been home just long enough to do this:


I'm not saying any of this happened, mind you. The preceding was purely hypothetical.