On March 22nd, eleven months to the day from her birth, Yuki weaned herself. Well, it was more like a mutual decision. Sometime in December, I had dropped my breastfeeding down to 4 times a day, and then over Christmas, I dropped it to 3 times a day, then down to twice a day. This was mostly because I was unexpectedly thrown back into full time status at work (my work blew up in December—not literally, but my immediate boss, who was the boss of everyone got fired, so I became that boss temporarily—and still am—this topic alone can make a whole different blog, but I will spare you the details) and I honestly couldn’t bother to pump at work anymore. The day I returned the rented pump was a big day. The people at the store congratulated me for graduating. Then because I was directing, Philip was putting Yuki to sleep every night during the month of January and she got confused between when Philip gave her the bottle and when I breastfed her to sleep. She was actually much less settled with breastfeeding so I decided to drop the bedtime feeding. I figured, I’m always home when she wakes up so I would keep the morning feeding. And that worked well for a while, then on March 20th and 21st, I noticed that Yuki was totally distracted during her feeding and seemed like she could really take it or leave it. I decided to try just one more time on the 22nd and it was the same. I sat her up, and said, “I think we are done.”
I had told myself that I wanted to give it a try for about a year. Then after that, I was going to play it by ear. When I started and had so much trouble, I thought, “OK, I’ll stick it out for three months” and hoped that I could hang in there for six months, for her benefit. So eleven months is pretty good. I was both looking forward to and dreading this day and when it happened, it was really unceremonious. Yuki seemed unfazed and I felt mostly relieved and vaguely melancholy. Just somewhere in my heart I felt just a little bit of tug. It was as if a big band aid that was going to hurt a lot to come off just fell off in the shower and left a very small mark. Just a subtle … something. Breastfeeding books (by the way, I am no longer a huge fan of reading too many of these books) will tell you to take your time, and don’t be hard on yourself and all that. So I was bracing myself. I thought I might feel sadder. But the fact of the matter is this did not come easily for me, and while I am glad I stuck it out, I think I am mostly glad it’s over.
You! Boy! Make yourself useful. Go peel me a grape!
As a personal ritual, when a certain phase or chapter ends in my life, I purge things. I like to clear things out and not look back too much. This is something I learned to do during my 30s (egads, I’m not there anymore!!!), and is working well for me, so I went around the house the next day and put away or threw away all things related to breastfeeding. I had to use so many little props to get it to work and to ease the pain and it was good to let them go. It was a graduation indeed. I learned that there is so much pressure to breastfeed and while that’s all wonderful, I think mothers who can’t or don’t, feel stupid or defensive. But then, I also learned that some babies who breastfeed exclusively sometimes don’t learn to take a bottle and that’s a whole different kind of hassle for mothers because then they can’t really ever leave them. So it’s just hard no matter what happens. For us, because I work, it was a blessing in disguise that we needed to supplement in the beginning, therefore acclimating Yuki to the bottle and formula. She never had any preference as long as she was fed. And now, she can hold her own bottle so that’s even better. I used to watch Gilmore Girls via Tivo in the wee hours of the morning while feeding her because it would take anywhere from 30 to 45 min. Now, I give her a bottle and we watch it together on the couch sitting side by side, only she is done in about 10 min. Then she spaces out for a while and we sit, snuggled up, listening to fast-talking Lauren Graham.
I am glad I experienced it. I can say, “I’ve done it!” Same thing can be said for being pregnant and giving birth. Oh, and getting married.
I had told myself that I wanted to give it a try for about a year. Then after that, I was going to play it by ear. When I started and had so much trouble, I thought, “OK, I’ll stick it out for three months” and hoped that I could hang in there for six months, for her benefit. So eleven months is pretty good. I was both looking forward to and dreading this day and when it happened, it was really unceremonious. Yuki seemed unfazed and I felt mostly relieved and vaguely melancholy. Just somewhere in my heart I felt just a little bit of tug. It was as if a big band aid that was going to hurt a lot to come off just fell off in the shower and left a very small mark. Just a subtle … something. Breastfeeding books (by the way, I am no longer a huge fan of reading too many of these books) will tell you to take your time, and don’t be hard on yourself and all that. So I was bracing myself. I thought I might feel sadder. But the fact of the matter is this did not come easily for me, and while I am glad I stuck it out, I think I am mostly glad it’s over.
You! Boy! Make yourself useful. Go peel me a grape!As a personal ritual, when a certain phase or chapter ends in my life, I purge things. I like to clear things out and not look back too much. This is something I learned to do during my 30s (egads, I’m not there anymore!!!), and is working well for me, so I went around the house the next day and put away or threw away all things related to breastfeeding. I had to use so many little props to get it to work and to ease the pain and it was good to let them go. It was a graduation indeed. I learned that there is so much pressure to breastfeed and while that’s all wonderful, I think mothers who can’t or don’t, feel stupid or defensive. But then, I also learned that some babies who breastfeed exclusively sometimes don’t learn to take a bottle and that’s a whole different kind of hassle for mothers because then they can’t really ever leave them. So it’s just hard no matter what happens. For us, because I work, it was a blessing in disguise that we needed to supplement in the beginning, therefore acclimating Yuki to the bottle and formula. She never had any preference as long as she was fed. And now, she can hold her own bottle so that’s even better. I used to watch Gilmore Girls via Tivo in the wee hours of the morning while feeding her because it would take anywhere from 30 to 45 min. Now, I give her a bottle and we watch it together on the couch sitting side by side, only she is done in about 10 min. Then she spaces out for a while and we sit, snuggled up, listening to fast-talking Lauren Graham.
I am glad I experienced it. I can say, “I’ve done it!” Same thing can be said for being pregnant and giving birth. Oh, and getting married.
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